The Way We Were…

When I started to tell people about what happened between myself and my FWB, everyone was super quick to be like, “What a douche!” or “He is such a jerk!” But let’s be serious… I would never date a douche or a jerk… he’s my best friend and I honestly believe he’s an amazing guy. I always wonder why our first go to when you hear someone got dumped is to talk crap about their ex. I’m even guilty of doing it but after this recent departure, I’ve realized it’s not helpful. Not in the least. It’s already enough that you go from being in a “relationship” ((I use that term loosely in my case)) and having a best friend and then just like that, they’re your ex or somebody in your past. Their role in your life changes overnight and who wants to hear about what a douche he was by friends that are trying to make you feel better? Answer: NOT ME. It’s not the truth so why would I want to hear that nonsense?

Nothing takes away the initial sting of rejection. It has been about a month since my “break-up” and I’m trying to bounce back as well as I can. I had that week’s span ((ehhh maybe two weeks)) where I was selfish watching rom-coms  and feeling sorry for myself… it felt like I was admitting defeat and it hurt… I had the “Heyyyyy… maybe time will make him come to his senses” thoughts too, but now I’m trying to move on with my daily and meet guys that want to be with me. After I sat back and reflected on this relationship and past relationships, I knew that I wasn’t as happy as I thought I was pre-breakup. I complained about him not wanting to spend time with me, I went to sleep pissed because of numerous random things, and I was jealous of my friends and their relationships that had elements that mine didn’t. I mean when it comes down to it with break-ups, anyone who can walk away from you should be with someone else anyway. Why waste time hoping he’ll come to his senses?  I know that I can do better… it’s tough watching tv shows and rom-coms where at the end, they get back together and live happily ever after because that is not how it works. If I’m wrong, puuuhhhllleaasseeee let me know. I mean obv there are random exceptions (Carrie and Big) but I’m pretty positive that I am not the exception. I watched a TON (as I mentioned above) of these movies… I also put some time in with movies where there’s a break-up and then the bestie comes up from nowhere and professes their undying love and they live happily ever after and let’s not forget the one where the girl loves the guy and waits around for 74839472 years for the guy to bone any and everything that walks to finally figure out that he loves her (ONE DAY). Basically what I’m telling you is that I tortured myself for two weeks with this crap. PEOPLEEEEEE there is not ONE THING satisfying about sitting around and waiting for someone. What is the matter with us?? Or Hollywood, for that matter, producing nonsense like that? If you are doing something like this, stop it!! I’m telling you to cut it OUT!! You can’t spend your life waiting or worrying about another person or looking for their permission to be happy and to move on. :::NEWSFLASH::: I just tried that… for over a year and a half and was rewarded with nothing more than a broken heart. IT SUCKS and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy… actually I would, but that’s because she’s a bitch and married my ex-boyfriend but that’s a whole other story… your only responsibility is to yourself and to find someone who makes you happy and feel loved. Even on The Mindy Project season finale yesterday this ish is happening… Mindy tried a relationship with her best friend, it failed, he was trying to get her back and she didn’t know it so while she was having a heart to heart she told Danny that he was right when he said that “guys don’t break up with girls they secretly want to be with.” Helloooo – we all just need to realize this is true… a lot of talking goes down while you are getting dumped but the end all, regardless of what’s being said is that they’re STILL BREAKING UP WITH YOU!! While you might feel like crap the first month after a break-up, I promise it gets better.

And if you want to go out with the last word I recommend you throw out this quote from one of my FAVORITES from my cry fest a couple of weeks ago, The Way We Were… Hubbell is in the process of breaking up with Katie when she says, “You’ll never find anyone as good for you as I am, to believe in you as much as I do or love you as much!” I mean they still break-up but it’s a good one… and I felt that way with my last break-up… should have watched this damn movie again before we talked J Oh well, at least you’ll be prepared to get the last word in and leave them wondering what could have been.

Moving on?

I have been on a forced writing hiatus. One that I took to figure my ish out… I wanted to give myself time to find myself, and figure out what to do with my life. Do you know what I realized? I am absolutely full of it if I think I’m going to get it figured out right now. I am now a firm believer that anyone who claims that they have their shit together in their 20’s is completely full of it. Legit. I live a life, a good life, that is full of struggles but I’m trying to just learn to relax. I think that I am exactly where I am supposed to be… that in itself is terrifying, but it is my reality.

The reason why I tried to get it together is because I am 26. I think that is naturally the age where you  can’t help but dissect and analyze just about everything in your life. So let’s take my love life for example. You guys, I’m sure, have loved to read about the chaos and nonsense I go through (or put myself through) with the men in my life and do not worry, I am not about to disappoint. That “guy friend” that I refer to so often on my blog, is no longer an issue. I did ((FINALLY)) have the “why aren’t we together talk” with him where we both confessed our feelings for each other – gag-a-rama, I KNOW – but embarrassingly enough, nothing changed. I mean, I thought we were together… Ish… but then I told him I would wait for him to figure out what exactly he wanted. Why?? Who the HELL knows what the EFF was going through my dumb, moronic mind when I said that, but it was legit almost two months since that conversation and nothing was different except we talked on the phone, texted more often, and occasionally saw each other on week days. It was like I was investing all of this time and emotion into someone who has never really taken me out or let me into his life. We got into this comfortable routine and it became apparent that more wasn’t even an option. Can you blame him? He’s getting both the emotional and physical benefits of being in a relationship without doing any work or really committing to me. What guy do you know is going to be like “Wowwww, this is all way too easy… please challenge me and make me work to get you interested and actually have a REAL relationship.” Psssshhhh… the answer is none. I had a hard time trying to change the tone of this relationship without being needy/clingy and overbearing. It’s super easy for a guy to find another girl who will make it easy for them, I think, so did I really want to push the issue? My mind said no but my heart wanted the commitment. My older brother told me that I was wasting my time… That he will never commit to me and I needed to move on but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I know that my happiness does not depend on one man and that he probably does not matter as much as I think he might, but I wasn’t ready to let go of the hope that one day it would all just click into place and we would know exactly what we had been waiting for. I’m just a hopeless romantic that way… gross. <<Lisa, I am ashamed that I wrote that previous sentence but rules are rules and once it’s down, it stays.>> Unfortunately for me, it didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. We had the talk again ((VIA TEXTTTTTT – can you believe that ish?)) and it didn’t exactly go the way I thought it would. He said that while he had feelings for me, he felt like something was missing. That he didn’t want to sacrifice our friendship in the hope that we would work out. It hurts… it does, but I deserve better than what I’ve gotten the past year and a half. I deserve to have a guy that loves me for me and that looks forward to the time they get to spend with me and doesn’t feel like it’s forced. Fortunately for me, I had spring break last week and was able to take some time to wallow and to begin to move on… then to wrap up the weekend, I was in my best friend’s wedding. Where we not only drank our little hearts out, there were a plethora of hot single guys for me to flirt with… oorrrrr drunkenly make out with ((shhhhhh don’t judge))… Lisa told me that the guy I met [[who, btws, has been texting me nonstop since Saturday]] is the ultimate rebound guy. She told me that she was rewarding me with the “Best Rebound of the Year” award and I am flattered 😉

Ok well I’m not even really sure where to take this post after that ridiculous comment so I’m going to stop while I’m behind… it’s embarrassing but the first sign of moving on is acceptance so here we go… you guys have a fantastic week and I will be back with an update soon… two month off es no bueno, but I will not make the promise to do better, I will just make the promise to try 🙂

Some Girl(s)

My Redbox selection for this rainy Sunday was too appropriate for my mood. I rented the movie Some Girl(s) to watch on my couch, while munching on pizza, and sipping lemonade – I live the most exciting life of anyone you know – and as most movies do after I’ve had a long lonnnnggg weekend, it made me think a little deeper into the meaning behind the film. Let me give you a little background on this movie: it’s a screenplay turned indie film about a guy that is jet-setting across the US to meet up with his five ex-girlfriends that most impacted his life. He’s doing this to clear the air and make amends before he gets married. <<<I’m going to stop right there and say that if my fiancé says he wants to do this before our wedding, I’m going to say hell-to-the-NO! This guy is like making out with his exes and junk, ummm no. Not gonna fly, sir.>>> SOOO – the women in this movie are incredibly strong and defiant and pretty justified in their stances with this guy. The playwright is basically using this movie to hold men responsible for being assholes to women… for hurting women and not really having a great reason as to why… except that they just do. Also, all of the girls have guy names and the man doesn’t even have a name… he’s just “man.” I think LaBute does this on purpose. The man isn’t meant to be specific; I think he is supposed to represent all of us. Men hurt women, but women hurt men, we all hurt each other and this film is used to show the repercussions of our actions.

My favorite part of the film, is the scene with Kristin Bell and Adam Brody… Bell is the one ex that is supposed to be his soul mate… the girl that he actually loved (and may still love) and ran away from — this is the common thread in this movie, man runs away from confrontation and feelings — really lays into him when he tries to make excuses. I really admire that she is able to do this because I am incapable of expressing myself in this way. Here is the dialogue (I tried to upload a clip but it wouldn’t work so you get the script instead, sorry):

Man: Jesus Christ, can we just be civilized about this? Even if we just end up as… you know…

Bobbi: Friends? You were not about to say that were you? Huh? I don’t need any friends. Or let me be more specific… I do not need you.

Man: Well that is not very nice.

Bobbi: Well I wasn’t trying to be nice… not at all. I’m serious. I mean, why would I want to be pals with you? Buddies? Huh? Especially now? I barely wanted to see you. God, you were always this grandiose guy but I had no idea, until this moment that it might be pathological. So, no, I think friends is off the list.

Man: Look, I always meant well…

Bobbi: F you (sorry gotta edit to keep this blog PG-13)! That’s pathetic. Oppenheimer meant well. Pol Pot meant well. It’s not about the meaning, it’s about the doing. Guys always mean well right before they screw somebody over.

Man: Come on…

Bobbi: What?

Man: That’s not…

Bobbi: Not what? Not what? You think it’s alright just because it’s one person rather than a dozen or a million? When is hurting ok? Only when you say so? Or is it just open season, all of us, going at it whenever we see fit.

Man: I am not saying it’s ok to hurt but you cannot equate some war with me not calling you.

Bobbi: Why not? Who says I can’t? In fact, I already did, just now. And I’m going to stand by it, I am. Because when you do what you do, which it sounds like you’ve done, a lot, people get hurt… injured… a bit of them, some piece, it dies. They lose something that will never come back, not ever. And this part that you decide you can just take from them and damage, piss on…

Man: I didn’t take anything.

Bobbi: You DID! From me, you did. Maybe not what you thought, but you did do that. And you didn’t care. You didn’t even look back. And that… it makes you more than just an ex-boyfriend. You’re like a killer… or an assassin… some emotional terrorist who… No, no you know the truth of it is, all the stuff you do… it makes you a not very nice person. And that’s as bad as it gets, as far as I’m concerned.

 Most guys just don’t get it. They don’t. Their actions hit home a lot more often than not and they take them with a grain of salt. People aren’t just toys… you can’t just play with them and toy with their emotions and then place them back in the toy box when you are done. This movie just dramatized our passion for ignorance. This entire movie, the man is being read the riot act by each one of his exes. He acknowledges what they say but he really doesn’t hear any of them. Nothing changes. The movie ends with “man” checking out the stewardess on his flight back home. Is it like this with most guys? I really hope not…. But did the women get the closure they needed… did he? Does closure even exist? I don’t think it does. I think letting go is a much more relatable statement than closure. I don’t believe that things ever end. If you truly love someone, that love is a forever thing. You don’t just turn that emotion off. I think you have to let go… you may need to see someone and tell them that they hurt you, tell them off, or even tell them that you love them but being with them isn’t the right thing for you or whatever you might need to say to a person to help you let go. You don’t actually need them for the process, you just need them to play a role in the closure or letting go, but you are the only person that can actually move on. I might be a little far-fetched in this post but I thought this was a pretty interesting film. I love that about indie films. They have a deeper meaning than the blockbusters… a little more substance. They hit home at just the right time. Watch it… I mean what movie could go wrong when Adam Brody is the star?

For Reagan

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

I believe that truer words have never been said. Life changes fast. It changes in an instant and who wants to leave this world with any regrets?

Suicide. One word that leaves a sour taste in your mouth and so many unanswered questions in your mind. The process of grieving when it comes to suicide is so different than that of other deaths you are faced with. It takes an immense amount of time to process any death and to come to terms with losing someone and after living through a suicide this weekend, I don’t believe that ITS grief is one that anyone can understand until you have felt it. When someone in your life dies through suicide it becomes something that you will never truly be able to accept. There are questions that will never be resolved, wounds that will never heal, regrets and guilt that will be carried around for the rest of our lives.

A student of mine committed suicide yesterday and it has brought to the forefront a big fear in my life. When did I become so oblivious that I don’t recognize personality changes in my own classroom and wasn’t able to do anything about it? I became a teacher to be a role model for these students. To be a realist, to assess their problems, and to help them in everything they need. These students are just kids. Why haven’t I told them that life gets better? That the things that occur in the halls of a high school aren’t forever things… That who you are in high school is irrelevant to anyone and everyone else once you get the heck out of there. That suicide is never EVER the answer. That they will graduate, get a job, move out on their own, and figure out who they are and that they will love themselves in a totally different way, that’s more rewarding than anything they know right now. That everything will be different and manageable… Better than it is right now.

As an educator, we are asked to censor ourselves. We skirt issues that are relevant to these kids. Whether it’s regarding drugs and alcohol, or in our health classes where we teach the importance of abstinence to 9th graders that for the most part, are already sexually active, or censoring any other reality of life that they are already aware of and are using against each other anyways. It’s not good and I am not being effective in my job or in my position as a role model by doing so.

My students, my friends, my co-workers, and I have all experienced a shocking loss that nothing in life ever prepares you for. There’s no rule book to tell you how to let go and move forward. You just keep hoping for the days when you were at the high school football games cheering and everyone was happy, and life was easy and not so tumultuous. I dread going to work in the morning to face all of the tormented students left behind, but I hope to start now in being a better person for each one of my friends and my students.

May God grant peace to the Beene family and to all of those who are suffering.

“The cross leads to joy and not just happiness. There is a difference between joy and happiness. Happiness is something we know as enhancement or protection of our own lives. Joy comes in connection with another or with Jesus. Joy happens when we get to the core of life and realize that love is at the center. Jesus is God with us and will never leave or forsake us. Joy is not the absence of suffering; it is the presence of God.” – Robert Schuller

Oh the mistakes I make…

Our twenties are a time where we are supposed to go out on a limb. Step outside of our element… experience exciting opportunities that we won’t be able to experience when we are married with 2.5 kids living in suburbia USA. I am trying to live these 20s of mine to the fullest as you can probably tell from the posts on my blog. So remember that time ((about two weeks ago)) when I told you about a little thing called Tinder? Well Tinder bit me in the butt. Left teeth marks, the whole shebang! But since I have such a good sense of humor I’m going to share my horror stories with you guys. We can laugh together because I was laughing while it happened, why not give you guys a few chuckles at my expense?! That guy I told you about… the one that had a littleeeeee problem  errrrr…. Producing?? Yeah, you know the guy. Well things sorta died down so I was back to just juggling one guy again. Boring, right? YES. ((I’m going to try to keep this one guy off of my blog, apparently it’s bad luck to talk about my guys on here so you will just have to keep an open mind and believe that he is straight gorgeyyyy)) So… me being the moron that I am, gets back on Tinder – I took a timeout from the app when I had two solid perspectives in my boat – and I start talking to this new guy. He was cool, funny, had his ish together too… or so it seemed. Well, on Saturday night he asked me if I wanted to have a chill night and come watch a movie. It was a lonnnnnngggg Saturday spent in a gym so a relaxing night with male company sounded fantastic so I was like sure thang, send me the address and I will come over after I shower! He was like great! Come on over. I start driving and I’m like huhhhh… this is the same way I go to Jon’s house ((TINDER prospect #1 that had the little problem))…  I keep driving, listening to Miley’s new cd on replay <#icantstop> and then my gps is like you have arrived. Oh I had arrived alright… AT JON’S HOUSE!!!! I was like holy hell there is no way! I believe I told you he owned restaurants and clothing stores, etc. in my previous post and that he had a pretty nice living. Well what I failed to mention was that he recently allowed three of his cousins move into a few of his spare rooms. I met two out of the three cousins on previous visits… the third I never met. Welp, jokes on me because I was about to! Sooo, I drive past his house and pull into a school a mile up the road and immediately call my best friend Lisa. I was dyiinnnngggg laughing when I called her and I was like you are not going to believe what is happening. I told her the sitch and she was like this would only happen to you! Then of course she asked what I was going to do. I went with the honesty route. I called him ((WITH Lisa on the call {{he got the three-way phone call attack, thanks Mean Girls}} because she wouldn’t let me hang up with her – she wanted to hear the hilarity as it went down)) and I go “Ummmm slight problem… are you Jonathan’s cousin?” He paused for TEN SECONDS – I am not kidding you guys… It felt like forevvverrrr – and he goes “Yeah, why?” I then proceeded to  tell him that I dated his cousin… needless to say I drove myself right on home and did not stop in to say hello to the two. Turns out he really didn’t know that Jon and I had seen each other and he had a pretty good sense of humor too! We laughed about it and joked about meeting again in another life (yeahhhh rightttt) and moved on. SO, I get it. Lesson learned! I will stop trying to juggle… I’m at a good place with #GuyA [that’s how I will refer to him from now on so he stays anonymous and I don’t jinx my relationship] so I’m just going to play it out and try not to eff it up, which I tend to do more often than not. I hope this was as amusing to you as it was to the rest of my friends… I’m going to post some screenshots from that night below. Until next time…