THANKSgiving

I had to take a week break from writing to celebrate Thanksgiving and my cousin’s wedding. Yes… another wedding. As much as I love holidays that involve huge freaking meals and days full of parades and football, I will say that this Thanksgiving was the worst for my self-esteem. Since it was shared with a wedding this year it included my entire family asking me what I’m going to do with my life and when I am going to buckle down and get married. I mean REALLY!! I miss those Thanksgivings from college where you came home and reunited with your high school best friends and I gave thanks to how my looks and body were changing for the best and in my head how everyone is really jealous of my life ((yeahhh that is all in my head but who cares – it’s my blog, I can write/fantasize about whatever I want!)). But now I find myself in the reality of being 25 and single (one of the only ones of these said friends from high school that isn’t married) and responding to my grandmother’s statements of “We need to remember this for your wedding” –to WHAT imaginary guy with “I’m giving thanks for NOT having a [permanent] guy in my life right now.”

This brings us to today… where I am evaluating my attempt to play hard with a certain someone. The eval goes like this: It’s pretty darn ineffective right now. This is a challenge for me because I like to think this is my forte but right now I am STRUGGLING. So here we go…  I thought I would start off by defining “playing hard to get” as found on dictionary.com (yeah, really… it’s in there). It says that “playing hard to get” is pretending to be inaccessible or uninterested; acting coy, especially with the opposite sex {SIDENOTE: soooo gays can’t play hard to get? Ehh… pretty sure they are the queens of it}. Let me be clear though… Playing hard to get is not to be confused with being a tease or leading guys on. I mean being a tease is for born again virgins that are on the fast track to convince themselves that a smile and a look their way isn’t enough for them to panty drop and hop in the sack and leading guys on is for insecure slores that need attention. I am neither of these pathetic options. I am a talented trick that is usually pretty solid in male campaigns. So a few things that I have learned along this journey of trying to play hard to get are here:

–          When it comes to texting I have the will(or don’t)power of a saint. I can wait hours to text guys back (I didn’t say I didn’t type my response or read his message 30 times within this wait) or be completely indifferent with my response. But NEVER both!!You can’t be both delayed and unimpressed when you text a guy back. The whole point of this strategy is to create uncertainty not to be a stone cold betch. Another little tip is this: YOU can initiate a convo (SOMETIMES). Here’s the disclaimer – you can never contact him more than he contacts you. There has to be a little push and a little pull in the relationship so despite our girly instinct of not reaching out first, sometimes it’s ok to take the reins and make a move.

–          The next step I’ve learned is to just have a life. My life is hectic. I coach volleyball and basketball and work at a school all day and on the days I have early practice I play in an adult volleyball league. When I say I’m not available, I’m usually not available. I think that the less available you are makes you more wanted. No guy wants to hang out with someone whose most fun activity they have scheduled during the week is hanging out with them.

–          So my friends and I frequent bars on the weekend and despite the incredible disappointment that this weekend brought in the attractive guys department we usually do pretty well at getting male attention. One thing that you have to know when it comes to bar-hard-to-get-etiquette is that eye contact is an invitation. Only the delusional guys that have no chance talk to randos without anything to go on so the whole eye contact thing let’s guys know it’s ok for them to come say hi. After that eye contact is made our job is done. If he comes over to talk and he’s actually interesting chat or dance with him. If he’s a total douche show him the door. NOTE: if you are feeling extra confident (drunk) commit to the ‘come hither’ motion with your finger just once… I am two for two with it and I will stand by that it works on hot guys!

Advertisements

MY Sexiest Men List

As we all know People’s Magazine released their Sexiest Men Alive issue this month with Channing Tatum being at the top of the list. Now don’t get me wrong, Channing Tatum is SUPER hot in that whole dumb, can’t act kind of way but I disagree that he is the sexiest man ALIVE. So I decided that I would revise a top 15 list from a younger point of view. If you agree or have any other suggestions add them to the comment section below.

15. Prince Harry – I felt like I needed to add Harry for the primary reason that he is a ginger and getting better with age. We all remember those family photos with the ugly Prince Harry and dashing Prince William. But the biggest purpose for Harry being on this list of sexy men is the fact that he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about behaving because he is royalty. And also because he’s probably the only ginger in the world that we’d ever consider hooking up with.

14. Scott Disick – Ohh Scotty… who wouldn’t want this smart-mouthed-cane-carrying man on their list. He has singlehandedly changed his douchebaggery to become an amusing hunk of a man that I would love to entertain me on a daily basis.

13. Blake Shelton – Everyone who knows me knows that I hate country boys but there is something about Blake Shelton’s drunken persona that flips a little switch in my lady box and makes me want to belt out a twangy love song so Mr. Shelton can push my button on the set of The Voice.

12. Andrew Garfield – Number one he’s British. That should be enough for him to be on this list but his quirky little nerdy personality make him even more attractive than he is in real life. Also he and Emma Stone might be the cutest couple in the world. Nuff said.

11. Ryan Gosling – The need to add this man because of pure peer pressure is why he made it into my top 15. I personally do not get the Ryan Gosling hoopla (he has weird abs) but apparently his hotness is nothing to joke about. So moving on…

10. Channing Tatum – If People Magazine thinks he is the Sexiest Man Alive in 2012 he definitely needs to be in the top ten. Regardless of the fact that he’s a terrible actor, he is super hot in that dumb jock sort of way. Also – he’s from Alabama (Sweet Home) and I wasn’t aware that they grew men that looked like this so close to home… therefore top TEN.

9. Chace Crawford – Sorry… he’s the boy next door ((That never actually lived next door because that is not reality)) that every girl dreams about. He’s beautiful. Period.

8. Ryan Lochte – He is such an idiot. A ridiculously sexy idiot. It doesn’t even matter how dumb he is or whatever ignorant and stupid comment that pops out of his mouth when he rips his shirt off and flaps around in his banana hammock.

7. Tom Brady – Ok so he’s not  the best at being a quarterback – which his occupation – but he managed to score a supermodel and have a cute little future footballer. He’s freaking hot and you know it.

6. Paul Walker – I don’t care what any of you haters say. Paul Walker is one of the sexiest men to ever grace the big screen and he is totally pulling a George Clooney and getting better with age. It should be a crime to have those heartbreaking blue eyes, abs of steel and perfect pearly white teeth. Let’s all hope that he stops greasing that boogey board and gets on the silver screen once more.

5. Bradley Cooper – His looks are Limitless. Yes, yes I definitely went there.

4. Ryan Reynolds – See below. No reason to explain.

3. David Beckham – You do know that there is no way anyone could make a sexiest list without having David Beckham in their top five… and in his underwear. He is arguably the hottest DILF there is and he has contributed to four stupidly good looking children.

2. Ian Somerhalder – I have loved this man since he was a dancing gay in love with Dawson on The Rules of Attraction. Now he passes on those smoldering looks as TV’s bad boy in Vampire Diaries. I will forever be in love with him.

1. Adam Levine – Do me please. His sexy panty dropping voice and those bad ass tattoos is enough to make any woman swoon. And if not, you’re a lezzy and dumb.

Honorable Mentions: JJ Redick, Clay Matthews, Paul Wesley, Cristiano Ronaldo, Matt Bomer (Boner – I mean really), Neil Patrick Harris, James Franco, Chris Pine, Chris Evans, Brad Pitt

Texting Faux Pas

Have you ever sent a text and immediately regretted pressing send?? I have been guilty of this more often than I would like to admit [Most recently with my text to one of my current flavor-of-the-months yesterday]. Question – who likes to get a text message that says “Ok”? Answer – NO ONE and that’s exactly what I sent WITH an exclamation point! Yep… “Ok!” is what I sent in response to being turned down at the suggestion of hanging out. <I am shaking my head at myself right now> Don’t know where this over-eager person came from where I face rejection with a bright smile and a peppy “Ok!” but she’s here… and embarrassing. Get her OUTTA HERE!

More than likely the overanalyzing of this stupid stupid text is stemming from the fact that I have yet ANOTHER wedding to go to this weekend… by myself. I get to answer the questions of being 24 and single when my 23 year old cousin is getting married and beginning her ab fab life of no longer marking single on her tax returns and staying in and sober on weekend nights. Now don’t take my comments as bitterness. There’s nothing wrong with being 23 and married but there’s also nothing wrong with feeling like you’re about 5 plus years away from staying sober on a Friday night with the hubs ((Enter tales from my crazy weekend with friends)). It’s obviously the right move for my cousin and more than a few of my best friends from high school and college have been married for more than a couple of years now and they have wonderful relationships with their spouses that I am incapable of having with ANY guy right now. I DO eventually want to get married but right now I love to party, flirt, kiss randoms and spend entirely too much time coaching high schoolers in a gym. None of that equals ready to settle down… plus as my mom likes to remind me that I am in no place in my life to have a joint bank account with a man because I have a SERIOUS shopping problem. But with all of those EXTREMELY valid reasons why I am not at a place in my life to be married… I still feel left out. It seems as though I am the eternally single friend at all of these weddings so I do feel a little pressure to at LEAST get into some sort of committed relationship. This brings me full circle to my regrettable text message.

I want to be that girl that just ends the conversation… just because. I do have SOOOOO many other things going on around me that I usually have nothing left to contribute to the text stream… Yep… you guessed it. I am a slight control freak. But with this particular guy, it NEVER HAPPENS. I always make some stupid comment that he doesn’t respond to and it drives me INSANE. I kid you not… after I was dumb today, I vowed that I was done with him. Period. As my dear friend Jay-Z likes to say “I’m on to the next one, on to the next” and I’m not looking back — that is until he texts me next weekend and says “What are you doing?” then I’m hooked again damnit. I feel stupid that I see the signs to just give it up but continually ignore them… I know I should just move on to someone that wants to see me and initiates conversation with ME instead of me teetering on the verge of desperation with a meager “Are you going out tonight?” text but I keep going back. Ok but here’s the deal… The TRUTH  of the matter is that you definitely can’t help how you feel about a person. I think it might have been Bear Bryant that said “Feelings aren’t right or wrong… they just are.” ((Totally heard this on Grey’s this week and remembered my mom using this line on me when I was younger)) My mom also used to say that although feelings aren’t necessarily right or wrong, the way you handle them can be. So this is what I’m saying – if you start to realize that your potential boyfriend prospect is really just an accessory put him back in there and move on to your next prospect. Yep, another The Gaggle reference… that book is legit. Honestly… MIND BLOWN! I’m taking my own advice this time. I really am putting my best foot forward and moving on. Or at least I’m going to make an honest-to-God attempt to do so… I’ll let you know how it goes!

Image

Dreams of grandeur

Am I the only person that has stupid in-depth fantasies about celebs?! My mind is a smorgasbord of ideas and scenarios that writing a teen’s fiction love story HAS been a thought out option for a career path but I took the safe road and decided to inspire our future ((AKA the youth of #MERICA)). So these fantasies are even more pathetic because I believe that these things can actually happen to me… 

My delusion consists of…

**Marrying a professional athlete – WHY would someone wish this on themselves? I mean I’m sure many girls dream of marrying their favorite professional athlete [ONE of mine is already taken… I’m still holding out for you JJ] but who REALLY wants to deal with the controversy and drama that comes with it? THIS GIRRLLLL!! Sure athletes are known for cheating {sign a prenup and think of the hefty reward you will get when you catch him in the act — total spy gear style with booby (pun intended) traps and hidden cameras = FUN} and never being home {I am a girl that loves her independence… so that will NOT be an issue for me… I’m going to go all Sex and the City 2 on my husband and have my own apartment away from our relationship – it will be in his favor… BELIEVE me} but think of all the positives you get out of it.

– Free tickets to all the NFL and NBA games <Sidenote: I would only marry a professional that plays a sport I love and wouldn’t mind being at all the time… see?? I’ve thought this out for sure #PATHETIC>

– TRAVELING… your hubby gets to fly all over the nation to play so you get to too!

– Money Honey!! I have a serious shopping problem with NO money so can you imagine my life and closet WITH money?!

Wish me luck on this challenge… as soon as I meet one I will be sure to let you know how fabulous my life is.

ImageImage

“BEN” Update

Update on what a MORON I am when it comes to guys sometimes. Remember that post about BEN – my kryptonite straight from Superman – that I had last week? YESSSS you do… if not scroll down a few posts you lazy bastard. Well I had my second encounter with him. I am proud to say I knocked it up a few notches – not too many… I still wasn’t Rico Suave by any means – and I made CONVERSATION. Who woulda thunk!? I came into practice straight from work [Looking as cool as a cucumber in my new top, skinny jeans and booties – Yep stylish trick] and went to get balls so my basketball team could learn to dribble…. or shoot…. orrrr pass the ball <<All of which are skills that WILL be mastered by the end of this season>> and ran into ole BEN. He caught me by surprise — yet again (I feel like this is becoming a trend) and I managed to put together some words and form a sentence that didn’t end with me avoiding eye contact and sprinting in the opposite direction… ok I STILL kind of did that… Ooopsiess but we are talking about my strides in the right direction so erase that from your brains and we will move on.

Ben: Hey! It’s good to see you again {Leaning in for an awkward sweaty hug – he was working out/playing basketball GROSS}

Me: Heyyyyy (drawn out and monotone — insert pat on the back for my casual coolness) You too?? Eww gross you’re sweaty (when he tried to hug me). Gotta go, I’m late for practice

<And this is when I bolted in the other direction>

Not too bad though… Right? Pleaseeee my self esteem can’t take another hit