I have been on a forced writing hiatus. One that I took to figure my ish out… I wanted to give myself time to find myself, and figure out what to do with my life. Do you know what I realized? I am absolutely full of it if I think I’m going to get it figured out right now. I am now a firm believer that anyone who claims that they have their shit together in their 20’s is completely full of it. Legit. I live a life, a good life, that is full of struggles but I’m trying to just learn to relax. I think that I am exactly where I am supposed to be… that in itself is terrifying, but it is my reality.
The reason why I tried to get it together is because I am 26. I think that is naturally the age where you can’t help but dissect and analyze just about everything in your life. So let’s take my love life for example. You guys, I’m sure, have loved to read about the chaos and nonsense I go through (or put myself through) with the men in my life and do not worry, I am not about to disappoint. That “guy friend” that I refer to so often on my blog, is no longer an issue. I did ((FINALLY)) have the “why aren’t we together talk” with him where we both confessed our feelings for each other – gag-a-rama, I KNOW – but embarrassingly enough, nothing changed. I mean, I thought we were together… Ish… but then I told him I would wait for him to figure out what exactly he wanted. Why?? Who the HELL knows what the EFF was going through my dumb, moronic mind when I said that, but it was legit almost two months since that conversation and nothing was different except we talked on the phone, texted more often, and occasionally saw each other on week days. It was like I was investing all of this time and emotion into someone who has never really taken me out or let me into his life. We got into this comfortable routine and it became apparent that more wasn’t even an option. Can you blame him? He’s getting both the emotional and physical benefits of being in a relationship without doing any work or really committing to me. What guy do you know is going to be like “Wowwww, this is all way too easy… please challenge me and make me work to get you interested and actually have a REAL relationship.” Psssshhhh… the answer is none. I had a hard time trying to change the tone of this relationship without being needy/clingy and overbearing. It’s super easy for a guy to find another girl who will make it easy for them, I think, so did I really want to push the issue? My mind said no but my heart wanted the commitment. My older brother told me that I was wasting my time… That he will never commit to me and I needed to move on but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I know that my happiness does not depend on one man and that he probably does not matter as much as I think he might, but I wasn’t ready to let go of the hope that one day it would all just click into place and we would know exactly what we had been waiting for. I’m just a hopeless romantic that way… gross. <<Lisa, I am ashamed that I wrote that previous sentence but rules are rules and once it’s down, it stays.>> Unfortunately for me, it didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. We had the talk again ((VIA TEXTTTTTT – can you believe that ish?)) and it didn’t exactly go the way I thought it would. He said that while he had feelings for me, he felt like something was missing. That he didn’t want to sacrifice our friendship in the hope that we would work out. It hurts… it does, but I deserve better than what I’ve gotten the past year and a half. I deserve to have a guy that loves me for me and that looks forward to the time they get to spend with me and doesn’t feel like it’s forced. Fortunately for me, I had spring break last week and was able to take some time to wallow and to begin to move on… then to wrap up the weekend, I was in my best friend’s wedding. Where we not only drank our little hearts out, there were a plethora of hot single guys for me to flirt with… oorrrrr drunkenly make out with ((shhhhhh don’t judge))… Lisa told me that the guy I met [[who, btws, has been texting me nonstop since Saturday]] is the ultimate rebound guy. She told me that she was rewarding me with the “Best Rebound of the Year” award and I am flattered 😉
Ok well I’m not even really sure where to take this post after that ridiculous comment so I’m going to stop while I’m behind… it’s embarrassing but the first sign of moving on is acceptance so here we go… you guys have a fantastic week and I will be back with an update soon… two month off es no bueno, but I will not make the promise to do better, I will just make the promise to try 🙂