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Reflections, Bad Decisions… you know… the USUAL

“I don’t understand what I did wrong except live a life that everyone is jealous of.” – Charlie Sheen

**I am going to apologize in advance [or warn you really] that this post is all over the place and my raging hormones are to blame – continue reading if you must but this one is a doozy, believe me**

One of my closest girl friends told me not too long ago that “all the guys flock to you.” I laughed and was like obviously, I mean look at all of my boyfriends, but she was being serious. I told her the one thing that I know I do that attracts guys – be myself. Yeah yeah yeah… I know that’s everyone’s go to advice but honestly it’s what you have to do. I am myself every single second of every single interaction I have with guys. I’m not trying to toot my own horn or anything but I’m a pretty funny girl – plus I’m somewhat attractive which increases my funny factor by at least a million!

Now, like I’ve said before my first real relationship about fifty-leven years ago, I was never myself. My family, my friends, even my college coach made comments to me that I should never let any guy ((or anyone for that matter)) hold me back and silence me. I love to talk… about everything except my feelings to guys and it was so different with him because although he was, in a way, silencing me, he also tried harder than anyone to get me to open up… I felt like he wanted to fix me but I don’t want nor need to be fixed. Between him and my last serious boyfriend I would say that I’m more than a little apprehensive when it comes to guys.

I really don’t date that often but I flirt, a lot. No one is in love with me but I am always interested in someone. I have insecurities – we all do – from body issues to my friends and family all the way to relationships. I listen and try my best to give my friends advice but no one seems to know when to push me into talking when I need it the most. These are just some things that I have put together over the last few days in a slightly over emotional state of mind.

So, to my friend I say there is no reason to be jealous. I love myself – a lot – and I love my relationships, but this is not the ideal place to be. I moved into a new apartment this week and since my cable hasn’t been hooked up yet I found myself in a Sex In The City marathon and had to share this Carrie quote with you guys: “I am someone who is looking for love. Real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.” That’s what I want. Real Love. I’m not talking about being “in love” because I’m not really convinced that is anything more than deep friendship combined with lust… I want to be loved honestly and wholly but I’m also pretty positive that if I’m looking for this type of love, it isn’t going to find me anytime soon.lower your expectations gif

And since I just mentioned it, let’s talk about when it comes down to a deep friendship combined with lust. My best friend came to town this weekend and we started talking about the guys in my life and I came to the realization that you absolutely can’t help how you feel about a person. Even if it’s the wrong person for you or the wrong circumstances it doesn’t stop how you feel. I have a guy friends that I have some pretty heated ummmmm tension with and that is it. None of us want anything that even slightly resembles a relationship but that doesn’t stop the jealousy bug from rearing its head out at the most inopportune times… Just know that if you try to cross the line with your guy friends it typically ends up tearing up your group of friends and at least three or four people end up hating each other and then you only hang out on random occasions, like birthdays, where there’s a ton of other people around and you don’t have to have that awkward conversation about how guilty you feel that you haven’t seen each other in a while. What? Does that sound like a real life sitch?? Man! I am good at making ish about my life. But really – the only people that successfully made the jump from the friend zone were Chandler and Monica from Friends and let me remind you – that is fictional.Monica And Chandler Everyone knows that Friends is the best show of all time and we are all obsessed with their characters but let’s be real – that ish never happens in real life. You just build up that tension with your friend that you sometimes think you should be with and most of the time think you shouldn’t and have mini panic attacks and make drunken choices that end up being either the best or the worst. And I have made both numerous times.Friend Zone I’m not saying that you shouldn’t follow your heart… I’m saying figure out what you want before you do. There’s a lot at stake there. What do you guys think? Do you take a leap of faith or just wait for fate to take its course? I don’t know but I am pretty sure that it’s all part of the plan. All of this worry and confusion will have a point and God knows that I can’t wait to see what it is. Good or Bad, I’m about ready for that outcome.

HOWEVER – to end this post on a less serious vibe – I did meet some new guys this weekend ((long distance – yuck – that might just have to be what my next post is on actually)) and last but certainly not least – one of my other guy friends {OBV not one of the guys I’m talking about above, puhlease, Girl’s got some standards} got arrested for having intercourse [PG version you guys] in public. 2 Broke Girls gifSee?? Such a lighter note and just a little reassurance that your weekend ended better than my friend’s did 😉

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One response to “Reflections, Bad Decisions… you know… the USUAL

  1. Pingback: FWBs | ChangingintheCity

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