Posted on

Football Schmootballl

A little over a week into the new year and I am in sports heaven! Play-off football and college basketball are in full swing!! I love sports… mainly volleyball, basketball and football… I will watch baseball and go to a Braves game even though it is a bit of a snoozefest to me [I think it might come from dating a slew of baseball players – may just be a slight resentment] but I will fake my way through a game for free booze and hot dogs! But usually I am surrounded by guys trying to watch some sort of athletic event on tv… like tonight with the BCS national championship football bowl game on. Of course I’m going to go watch it and drink and laugh with my friends but when I was chatting about it, a point presented itself that I felt I needed to expand upon. This weekend I was talking it out with a couple of girlfriends at a dinner party and realized that not every girl has a love (I’m not completely sure what’s not to like about guys in tight pants tackling each other but…) or understanding of the game like I do so this is what I’m going to do: lay out the basics {things that will make you at least seem like you know what the eff is going on out there} to football. A girl’s guide – if you will – to one of my favorite live events to watch on tv and in person so that maybe you can score with the guy you’re dating… and just maybe you will fall in love with the game like me.

** Sidenote – in March… right before the MADNESS starts, I will write a little basics guide for basketball as well and I’ll even give you guys the first look at my bracket {which will kick butt, thank you very much}.**

Now I’m no novice when it comes to sports ((growing up in a gym with a college basketball coach for a dad and having basketball/football loving brothers helps you out quite a bit)) and the best part of any sport is the drama and unpredictability of every game. Tonight’s title game, for example, is Bama v. Notre Dame. A lot of people across this wonderful country of ours thinks that this matchup is a joke (me included) and that Bama is going to win pretty easily but this is where the unpredictability comes into play. Who knows… maybe by some sort of late Christmas miracle, Notre Dame will pull it out ((this outcome would be the best for my friends who are avid fighting Irish fans and who I will be enjoying the game with)) and make it a ball game worth watching. Like I said – the most interesting thing is that with sports, the impossible happens… a lot… so my fingers are crossed for a good game!

Ok moving on to the nitty gritty of this post. I’m one of those girls that is not the biggest fans of those girls that don’t have a clue about how the game’s played and try to be obnoxious or the ones that cheer for a team simply because of the team’s “outfit” colors. Honestly, they just give us “female fans” a bad name. So here are the simplest explanations I can give to the wonderful game of football where that just doesn’t have to be the case anymore:

The simplest explanation is that the offense – also known as the team with the ball – makes their way up to the field to score a touchdown (which is 6 points, I mean duh) and the defense must stop them. Simple right? Ehh… debatable. The offense gets 4 chances (better known as downs) to get the ball 10 yards and if they get it they do it all over again the length of the 100 yard field. So if you hear 3rd and 6, it means the offense has to go 6 more yards to go and and it’s the 3rd down. When it gets to 4th down things get a little more complex. I mean it’s the last chance to get your 10 yards, so why not just go for it?? Well if you go for it and miss, the other team starts their set of downs from where that team left off – heading the opposite way which usually places them a lot closer to the end zone. But ‘s another option if the team is in range for the kicker you can also use that 4th down to kick a field goal and score 3 points. This is all the fun strategy part of the game comes in! Is it worth the risk for the 1st down or should you punt?? Hmm… what to do?? So I’m going to try to break down the need to know for offense: the quarterback (hotties like Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady, Mark Sanchez – yeah he sucks – and Tony Romo) is leader of the team. Think like he’s the Regina George ((couldn’t help myself from putting in a Mean Girls reference)) and everyone follows his lead. He either passes the ball to one of his teammates that is closer to the end zone or he can run the ball or hand the ball off to one of boys that will run his little heart out to the end zone trying to not get tackled.

Let’s move on to defense. Like I said before, the object of the defense is to stop the offense from completing their downs and for the guys playing these positions their job is to tackle and tackle hard! Also – bonus!! If the defense tackles the quarterback (people like to call this a sack) in their own end zone it’s a safety and it’s worth 2 points on that big ol scoreboard! Now my lovey dovey Clay Matthews (I’ve mentioned my obsession with golden haired Thor in a previous post) is a BIG DEAL when it comes to sacking the QB and creating turnovers. A turnover can happen when there is a fumble [when someone on offense drops a pass or toss and it falls to the ground where it’s picked up by the defense] or when the quarterback throws an interception.

Just a little something something that’ll help you with the guys. You should know at least one player from each team… and no, don’t just pick the cute one, pick one that is actually legit. Also, know something about them in case someone brings them up in conversation. Even if you honestly don’t have any idea what you are talking about, people will think that you know your ish. This can also be a bit risky because they might think you do in fact no your stuff and try to have a more in depth convo with you and this is when you should smile, toss your hair, look pretty and change the subject. Or just agree with whatever they are saying and that usually pleases any guy. So here is a little cheat list for the contenders tonight, you’re welcome.

Notre Dame:

Manti Te’o – Linebacker

Some info that will help you about this guy: The main thing you need to know is that he was the runner up for the Heisman this year. If this doesn’t tell you that he’s a pretty solid football player, there really is no hope for you. Even if you know nothing about football you should know that the Heisman Trophy is the biggest deal for NCAA football – other than the national championship trophy – freakin’ duh! He is the leader on one of the best defenses in the country so he is going to have to step up to stop Bama’s running backs that are pretty tough to take down. This is your in: “Man, I really hope Manti Te’o can track down those running backs the way he has all season.” If you want to get bonus points compare him to Ray Lewis (who is the star linebacker for the Ravens – he’s also retiring after this year if you just want to WOW everyone. I know it’s out of control how many tips I’m giving you)

Tyler Eifert – Tight End (and my does he ever have one… he is a looker)

Some info that will help you about this guy: He has pretty much made every defense that he has been matched up against this year look like idiots. So this is what you should say: “That Eifert guy is HUGE! He has been a nightmare for every team in the red zone this year. This guy’s not going to be like anything Bama’s faced all year – even in the SEC!” – just go with it! He runs like a bat out of hell and he’s like a slight giant so he can outrun and out jump most guys that are matched up against him.

(Out of respect to my friend Becky – I’m not including the RS quarterback Everett Golson on this list. She HATES him)


Amari Cooper – Wide Receiver

Some info that will help you about this guy: A little fact about this guy is that he is holding the freshman record for touchdowns. The guys a play maker. You can’t not cover the guy so when he’s on the field he takes the pressure off the other guys and allows a lot of one on ones early in the game. So what you want to say is this: “That Cooper guy is great. None of you can argue that he’s a great wide receiver, period.” There it is – simplicity at its finest.

AJ McCarron – Quarterback (Yeah, he’s a looker too… sorry guys, I hope this doesn’t make you think I’m a creeper for crushin on all these college kids. Actually… no I really don’t care. His bama swoosh does it for me)

Some info that will help you about this guy: Honestly, there’s nothing exciting or flashy about the guy but he gets the job done. His o – line gives him all the time in the world to see the field and then he just lets it fly. He’s had an almost flawless year and as they have said about 34923849 times on SportsCenter today he is the “game manager.” So this is where you take that comment: “Yeah, AJ’s a game manager if that means he’s efficient. I mean yeah, he’s managed games but he’s single-handedly won them too.” Boom – I amaze myself – geez Louise!

Sooo here ya go ladies!! Enjoy tonight’s game, drink entirely too much beer and cheer loud (or silently like I will – I’m NEVER saying ‘go bama or roll tide’… LIKE EVERRR) for your team.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s