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How to handle your breakup… or not

So as I do my daily flip through of my favorite blogs on singledom, celebritiesand the daily hardships for women, I came across an article titled “How to Survive a Breakup.”  Now as a professional single lady (thanks Beyonce) I feel like I have mastered the art of the inevitable breakup. [[Yes – I am a pessimist when it comes to relationships – deal with it]] This particular article hits on the Do’s and Don’ts associated with said breakups and I would like to touch on a few points… http://www.huffingtonpost.com/maryjane-fahey/break-up-getting-over-it-flow-chart_b_2011580.html?utm_hp_ref=women&ir=Women

Do #1: Seize the Moment and paint your apartment bordello RED. << Umm WHAT?! When has that ever been a good idea. Look if you are in depression mode and decide to paint your bedroom, period red is not the choice. I say pick something perky and happy… say yellow (not out-of-control-need-sunglasses-to-enter yellow… a nice soft pastel yellow) or some other color of equal happiness. No I am not serious. Are you freaking kidding me?! Why are you painting your room because you are going through a breakup? Where is the logic in that?!

Do #2: Nurse a Cocktail on your own. Solo girls get laid 50% more often. << Not sure where this statistic came from but if you are depressed and nursing a drink at a bar, pouring your heart out to bartender who tuned you out the first time you said “I’m better off without him…” you aren’t going to get laid. My favorite thing to do when I’m newly single is surround myself with my fabulous friends and party and rage and finish my night passed out on the couch fully clothed… or not.

Do #3: Travel to All the Places He Wouldn’t Go! Stay for a season. You’re on YOUR schedule now, Doll! << Issue number 1 with this tip – umm when did people start giving up their careers for breakups? I’m sorry but getting out of a relationship is not the end of the world and you still have a job so I’m not sure if going on vaca and staying for a season is conducive to everyone’s life. Issue number 2 – clearly this chick gives up her own independence when she enters a new relationship. Me? Not so much… so if my flavor of the week doesn’t want to go somewhere I want to go, he is easily replaced with one of my girls that I can always count on to go on adventures with.

Do #4: Dress Like a Sexy Slut without hearing from the peanut gallery. << Not really sure what this is going to accomplish other than girls talking shit. Stay classy ladies.

Do #5: Go Horseback Riding! It might just get your cooch goin’! << Orrrr… you could just use a vibe and skip the soreness…

Moving on to the Don’ts of breakups… Most of those were No SH*T tips on how to NOT stalk your ex but A+ for throwing out the obvious tips like:

Don’t #1: Lurk around his old haunts, wearing his old sweater. << Really?! People do this? Pathetic. We aren’t friends if you do.

Don’t #2: Dwell on Shoulda… Woulda’s. Regret is bullshit. << Agreed but totally guilty of this ish. I am that person that replays scenarios in my head and thinks of different outcomes (I could make a fortune coming up with Alternative Endings in movies). It’s over. Move on. [I’m preaching to myself on this one]

Don’t #3: Try to Win Him Back. Desperation is a lousy perfume. And you don’t want that stink. << I never understood the whole wanting to get back together thing… yeah, sure I’ve thought about what I could have done differently in past relationships but that’s what is going to make my next relationship the ish. Why would you want to get back with someone that didn’t work out the first time? There are plenty of fish in the sea so I’ve heard and being single is about fishing and testing the water.

So as you can see everyone has their own opinions on how to get over breakups… mine is pretty simple. It involves a bottle of liquor, music and friends. Get over it how you may but don’t wallow. It’s really unbecoming.

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